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Single Shy and Looking for Love A Dating Guide for the Shy and Socially Anxious Shannon Kolakowski PsyD 9781626250031 Books

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Single Shy and Looking for Love A Dating Guide for the Shy and Socially Anxious Shannon Kolakowski PsyD 9781626250031 Books

I picked up "Shy, Single and Looking for Love" on a whim after a quick google search on social anxiety and dating. How lucky I was to discover it!

I am only about halfway through the book, and it has already made a significant difference in my life! The questionnaires, the mindfulness exercises and the plan of action have been immensely helpful and insightful.

As a guy in my early 30s, I have gone through various other sources of dating advice throughout the years, most of them however were misogynistic and created additional and unnecessary self-loathing (the pickup culture, various dating podcasts (you know which ones)). In hindsight, seeing a psychologist would have probably been more helpful for me than all that other "dating" advice or advice from friends or family who don't share my values.

I wasn't even aware of how socially anxious I was until i scored many 3s and 4s in your first quiz in the book (which is used to gauge your social anxiety).

The action plan in this book works. Dr. Kolakowski offers various exercises throughout the book which require time and effort to dig deep and see what exact thought patterns are holding you back. She incorporates ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) which basically encourages you to stop trying to cope with your fears and instead allow them to be and simply be seen as thoughts and feelings that come and go. She explains it as Accept (accept your anxiety, for example), Choose (figure what are the things in life that matter to you and who you want to be and let go of previous thoughts about yourself), and Take action (with a goal in mind you work towards it and work on redefining your identity to live a life that is more in line with your true self). So if you have this mental image of yourself that you aren't capable of dating attractive women because you feel you are really awkward around women, even though that is clearly what you want for yourself, you can accept those thoughts but not let them define you and limit you taking actionable steps towards actually achieving it, if that makes sense. All without the use of games, or lines, or being overly self-critical or self-loathing when you fumble.

Take the first action steps for example. You start taking action by making eye contact and smiling with at three people (old, young, guy, girl, doesn't matter at first) while on a walk. Then you smile and say hi to everyone. Then you start making small talk with people in line at the grocery store, or serving your coffee, etc. You basically work up your social muscle, and eventually you move on to starting to approach people you find attractive and putting yourself in situations where you can meet potential partners. Yes, this approach isn't that much different from a lot of the dating advice out there, HOWEVER the big difference here is the focus on genuineness, authenticity and most importantly self-compassion and acceptance. It doesn't feel gamey at all and that was what was most important for me. I finally felt like I already have everything I need to be successful, I just have to overcome myself (my thoughts patterns holding me back).

All of this is done with mindfulness and meditation exercises which help you accept feelings of embarrassment, anxiety, envy etc. This is the key part of all of this. I think part of this she incorporates from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) if I am not mistaken.

I cannot recommend this book enough! I haven't finished it yet but felt the need to write a review because it has already helped me. I plan to read and reread this book and work on the exercises as I go about my dating life. I almost want a more dedicated program. I feel like this type of behavioral therapy should be mandatory in school. I know a few single people who would also benefit from this book and plan to give them copies.

Thank you, Dr. Kolakowski for showing me how to accept how I feel but not let it define me in regards to my dating life. You made me realize this was my major worry in my life and the source of most of my anxiety, and now I feel I have the tools (this book) to work through it and finally conquer my dating life.

***Update***

I finished the book and I still stand by my original review.

There was also another really beneficial section to the book near the end. As I was dating the past few weeks or so the thought came up of how am I supposed to filter who makes the cut and who doesn't for the women I'm seeing, but of course there is a section of the book that goes into the exercise of figuring out your values. Once you know those, it becomes way easier to figure out if who you are dating is a good long term fit for you. I never really sat down and wrote my values down before, although I had a general idea. It definitely makes it easier to eventually chose and also even to screen for someone who is compatible with you, if your goal is a long term partner.

I really appreciate the systematic approach of this book and, again, the focus on self-compassion.


Tags : Single, Shy, and Looking for Love: A Dating Guide for the Shy and Socially Anxious [Shannon Kolakowski PsyD] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. <div><em>What if he thinks I’m not good looking enough? What if she thinks I’m boring? What if I can’t think of anything</em><em>to talk about? </em>When it comes to dating,Shannon Kolakowski PsyD,Single, Shy, and Looking for Love: A Dating Guide for the Shy and Socially Anxious,New Harbinger Publications,1626250030,Dating (Social customs).,Intimacy (Psychology).,Man-woman relationships.,Anxieties & Phobias,Dating (Social customs),Dating, relationships, living together & marriage,FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS Love & Romance,Family & Relationships,FamilyMarriage,GENERAL,General Adult,INTERPERSONAL RELATIONS,Intimacy (Psychology),Love & Romance,Love Sex Marriage,Man-woman relationships,Non-Fiction,Overcoming shyness, overcoming social anxiety, dating advice for shy people, dating and social anxiety,Overcoming shyness; overcoming social anxiety; dating advice for shy people; dating and social anxiety,SELF-HELP Anxieties & Phobias,SOCIAL INTERACTION,SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY,Self-HelpAnxieties & Phobias

Single Shy and Looking for Love A Dating Guide for the Shy and Socially Anxious Shannon Kolakowski PsyD 9781626250031 Books Reviews

I was fascinated by the depth of Shannon Kolakowski's writing on this subject. She writes in a very conversational style, and I never felt she was coming from any place of judgement. It spanned so many aspects and levels of anxiety in such a respectful and informative manner. This was so much more than a dating advice book, I would consider it life information. I intend to recommend it to our Mom/Teen book club as I think there are so many opportunities for connection and discussion. I don't recommend you read the book in one sitting. Take the time to digest the information and it's impact on you and the ones you love.
*I received my copy from NetGalley.com in exchange for an honest review.
This book is just what I was looking for, and went beyond it's title. Why? Dr. Kolakowski offers great insight into the sensitivities for communicating clearly on thoughts and feelings that can apply across relationship types. In essence, the book can help an empath, a sensitive person, or a feelings-based person to understand their feelings so much better - and to be able to communicate your own needs and wants in an understanding and empathic manner. Great book!
Earlier I had written a negative review after thumbing through the book, looking for suggestions on how I could meet new people in situations where I was comfortable. I left the review in place but wanted to read the book more thoroughly in hopes that it would still have some useful applications, even if it didn't seem to fill my immediate need.

I'm not 100% done with it yet, but I'm decently through it and it sends a consistent message You can remove the shackles of your social anxiety if you continually step out of your comfort zone for social situations. The book cites many examples on both approaching and being approached, and also gives examples on how to uncondition yourself from social anxiety. As someone diagnosed with ASD, I'd all but given up hope that this was possible.

The biggest reason I've decided to essentially flip my review is because I've been reaching out to make new social connections. When sending messages to make or repeat contact, I've literally closed my eyes before hitting the send button (or looking away - anything to remove the reality of what I was doing that would make me back down). Today I noticed that I hardly blinked when doing so. This might seem like a tiny victory, but this whole time I've been meeting people and each time I reach out it gets easier. I find myself spending much less time reviewing what I'm saying/writing before putting it out there, which if we're being honest is just a form of second guessing.

If you have social anxiety I suggest checking this out. It's scary as hell to confront that anxiety, but it has lots of baby steps you can try.

As an aside, the book suggests Just Lunch as a possible dating service. I suggest researching in your area before signing up, as it can be pretty expensive and the reviews I found contained many horror stories in my region. YMMV.
I picked up "Shy, Single and Looking for Love" on a whim after a quick google search on social anxiety and dating. How lucky I was to discover it!

I am only about halfway through the book, and it has already made a significant difference in my life! The questionnaires, the mindfulness exercises and the plan of action have been immensely helpful and insightful.

As a guy in my early 30s, I have gone through various other sources of dating advice throughout the years, most of them however were misogynistic and created additional and unnecessary self-loathing (the pickup culture, various dating podcasts (you know which ones)). In hindsight, seeing a psychologist would have probably been more helpful for me than all that other "dating" advice or advice from friends or family who don't share my values.

I wasn't even aware of how socially anxious I was until i scored many 3s and 4s in your first quiz in the book (which is used to gauge your social anxiety).

The action plan in this book works. Dr. Kolakowski offers various exercises throughout the book which require time and effort to dig deep and see what exact thought patterns are holding you back. She incorporates ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) which basically encourages you to stop trying to cope with your fears and instead allow them to be and simply be seen as thoughts and feelings that come and go. She explains it as Accept (accept your anxiety, for example), Choose (figure what are the things in life that matter to you and who you want to be and let go of previous thoughts about yourself), and Take action (with a goal in mind you work towards it and work on redefining your identity to live a life that is more in line with your true self). So if you have this mental image of yourself that you aren't capable of dating attractive women because you feel you are really awkward around women, even though that is clearly what you want for yourself, you can accept those thoughts but not let them define you and limit you taking actionable steps towards actually achieving it, if that makes sense. All without the use of games, or lines, or being overly self-critical or self-loathing when you fumble.

Take the first action steps for example. You start taking action by making eye contact and smiling with at three people (old, young, guy, girl, doesn't matter at first) while on a walk. Then you smile and say hi to everyone. Then you start making small talk with people in line at the grocery store, or serving your coffee, etc. You basically work up your social muscle, and eventually you move on to starting to approach people you find attractive and putting yourself in situations where you can meet potential partners. Yes, this approach isn't that much different from a lot of the dating advice out there, HOWEVER the big difference here is the focus on genuineness, authenticity and most importantly self-compassion and acceptance. It doesn't feel gamey at all and that was what was most important for me. I finally felt like I already have everything I need to be successful, I just have to overcome myself (my thoughts patterns holding me back).

All of this is done with mindfulness and meditation exercises which help you accept feelings of embarrassment, anxiety, envy etc. This is the key part of all of this. I think part of this she incorporates from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) if I am not mistaken.

I cannot recommend this book enough! I haven't finished it yet but felt the need to write a review because it has already helped me. I plan to read and reread this book and work on the exercises as I go about my dating life. I almost want a more dedicated program. I feel like this type of behavioral therapy should be mandatory in school. I know a few single people who would also benefit from this book and plan to give them copies.

Thank you, Dr. Kolakowski for showing me how to accept how I feel but not let it define me in regards to my dating life. You made me realize this was my major worry in my life and the source of most of my anxiety, and now I feel I have the tools (this book) to work through it and finally conquer my dating life.

***Update***

I finished the book and I still stand by my original review.

There was also another really beneficial section to the book near the end. As I was dating the past few weeks or so the thought came up of how am I supposed to filter who makes the cut and who doesn't for the women I'm seeing, but of course there is a section of the book that goes into the exercise of figuring out your values. Once you know those, it becomes way easier to figure out if who you are dating is a good long term fit for you. I never really sat down and wrote my values down before, although I had a general idea. It definitely makes it easier to eventually chose and also even to screen for someone who is compatible with you, if your goal is a long term partner.

I really appreciate the systematic approach of this book and, again, the focus on self-compassion.